Participated in the Kashihara Seminar (May 22–24, 2016)
1.
It was my first time in Kashihara, and throughout the seminar, I was overwhelmed again and again by the feeling that I had finally returned to this place.
From deep within, memories of my heart's history tied to this land came rushing forth.
I had destroyed myself through battles, been torn away from my mother, become a shrine maiden, devoted myself to Amaterasu, delivered divine messages, and died in tatters...
During the final meditation of the seminar, I saw Mount Nijozan and felt a strong desire to return to the other side of that mountain.
All my life, I had carried a deep sense of abandonment by my mother.
Even though she gave birth to me and raised me, I couldn't help but wonder, "Why do I feel this way?"
It was only through encountering the study and coming to Kashihara that I truly understood: "Ah, so that's what it was."
I was finally able to come to this land.
Thank you, Mother.
Tears streamed down my face.
In that final meditation, I felt both the pain of my long history of identifying with the physical body and the joy of turning my heart toward Tomekichi Taike and the Mother Universe.
My heart expanded without end, and I could no longer sit still—I rushed forward.
Shiokawa-san's gaze during "Furusato" was incredibly kind, and it made me so happy.
The feeling of "Thank you, Mother" welled up with tears.
During the June seminar at Lake Biwa, the thoughts of calling out to the many mothers in my heart—seeking my mother—erupted from within me.
These thoughts emerged through the phenomena I experienced in relation to Amaterasu and the feelings of a shrine maiden.
Behind my devotion, worship, prayers to, and use of Amaterasu was a lonely heart that had rejected my mother's warmth.
It was an unbearable loneliness and fear that almost drove me mad, and I continued to live with those feelings even in this life.
To seal them away, I filled my heart with gods and inflated my reliance on external powers.
But no matter how I tried to suppress them, those feelings could not be hidden.
The fear and loneliness nearly drove me insane—this was the exact path of my heart's history through countless reincarnations.
The overwhelming energy of wanting to call out to many mothers erupted through my physical body.
At the same time, I remembered the deep wish I made in this lifetime when Tomekichi Taike had a physical body: "Please, Mother, give birth to me."
That wish poured out, filling me with joy, and I cried out, "Mother!"
Finally, finally, I could return together with those desperate and frightened shrine maiden feelings.
I was so happy to share this present moment—to gather here—together with my painful heart's history and my yearning for my mother.
2.
Attending the Kashihara Seminar, I felt a deep conviction that I am still carrying the consciousness of a shrine maiden.
When I was young, my mother brought me to a training center for shrine maidens.
There, I was forcibly separated from her. I tried to run away, to follow her, but as a small child, there was nothing I could do.
The training to become a maiden who receives divine messages was unimaginably painful.
Every day, I thought of my mother.
But eventually, I gave up, convinced that this was the only place I could survive, and resigned myself to endure the harsh training with all my might.
Fearing death, I prayed desperately to the gods.
Years passed, and I gained the ability to relay divine messages to rulers and to Himiko.
But my heart was filled with fear—because I knew that if the divine message I received displeased the ruler or Himiko, I could be killed or harshly punished on the spot.
So I could not relay the messages as I truly received them.
I carefully altered my words to match their expectations.
But this weighed heavily on me.
I was tormented by guilt for not speaking the truth.
During that time, I met a young man.
We began meeting secretly, and in those moments alone, my burdened heart was comforted.
But it was an unforgivable act.
One day, another shrine maiden reported me.
Himiko was enraged.
As a warning to others, I was subjected to public humiliation by men and then brutally murdered.
I died holding on to terror, hatred, resentment, and a deep curse in my heart.
That consciousness resurfaced during the phenomena at the seminar.
Even in this lifetime, I was deeply afraid of men and unable to speak with them normally.
It wasn't until I began dating my husband that I could speak more freely.
Before that, I couldn't even hold a conversation or make eye contact.
Until I met Tomekichi Taike, I thought these patterns came from my upbringing.
Now, I'm so deeply grateful to have encountered his truth.
I feel the intense longing I had in this life to be born from my mother.
I will fulfill the scenario of this lifetime, no matter what.
Now, I live each day with happiness and joy.
At last, I've found what I truly wanted to know.
With Albert, and with everyone, I believe we can return to the Mother Universe.
3.
The moment I meditated on the shrine maiden at the Kashihara Seminar, I felt an indescribable, pitch-black weight inside me—a solid, unmoving mass.
I couldn't move.
Calling out "Mother, Mother," I think I was trying to escape that terror.
I just called out, over and over.
In that unspeakable world, I thought of that version of myself and apologized.
I hadn't meditated.
I hadn't even tried to awaken.
Even the times I had meditated with a sense of superiority were the actions of one who had been waiting to be born into a painful world.
All I could say was, "I'm sorry."
Within my mother's embrace, I cried as if I were being held by a gentle mother.
Meeting that suffering part of myself made me happy.
I remembered and felt the kindness of my mother.
I had once been led gently by kind words and praise.
But when I realized the truth, I found I could never return to my mother again.
I fell into a world of heart-freezing loneliness and fear.
There were many parts of me that had locked their hearts away, unable even to say "Mother."
Those hearts screamed out to me all at once.
I wanted to return together with them.
Yes—that's why I was born as who I am now.
Being able to study like this in the gentle and peaceful land of Kashihara—I was truly happy.
I will treasure this.
I will continue to learn, cherishing what I felt.
Thank you. I was truly, truly happy.
4.
During the Kashihara Seminar, we had time to meditate on the shrine maiden.
It was a world of utter darkness.
Darkness, darkness, darkness—endless darkness.
There was nothing but pain.
It was cold, cold, unbearably cold.
How much time had passed?
So much that I had forgotten even that.
An endless time filled with nothing but suffering.
"You were a shrine maiden. Do you remember?"
Loneliness, unbearable loneliness, filled my heart.
No one heard my voice—not even my mother.
I never wanted to be a shrine maiden.
Not once.
But no one around me would listen.
Not even my mother.
"If you become a shrine maiden, you'll be happy. You've been chosen by the gods…"
No, no, no—that wasn't what my heart wanted.
I cursed my fate.
I resented my mother.
I resented my entire family.
"I will not be a sacrifice for them. I'll use this power for myself."
I etched that into my young heart.
I cursed everything.
My fate.
I swore I would not be swept away by destiny.
I would rise up using this power, even the power of the gods.
Everyone around me—those who approached me, those who tried to kill me, those who showed kindness—they were all enemies.
"Kill them. Anyone who uses me, I'll kill."
That's how I lived.
Yes, even now, my heart is full of loneliness—along with hatred, resentment.
My mother abandoned me, discarded me so easily.
I couldn't forgive her.
"How can you throw away your child so easily? Don't you have any love?"
But I couldn't say "I don't want to go," or "I don't want to be a shrine maiden."
Still, I wanted her to notice.
To notice the deep, deep loneliness buried at the bottom of my heart.
I used my hatred of my mother as fuel to live.
My despair toward her gave me strength.
I kept killing her in my heart—over and over.
But I was suffering, endlessly struggling in that pain.
All I ever wanted was to call her "Mother."
Through the loneliness, the pain, the solitude, and the battles, I kept living.
I told that self:
"It's okay to call her. If you want to, you can say it. You can call her 'Mother.'"
I couldn't forgive the mother I had hated and resented and killed.
And yet, deep, deep in my heart, I still longed for her.
No matter how I tried to cast it aside, that feeling of longing for my mother never left me.
5.
As I turned my heart toward the shrine maiden…
When I arrived in Kashihara, I felt a nostalgic sense—not the kind from family trips, but something deeper.
Long ago, I was a shrine maiden in this land.
Facing Mount Nijozan to the west, I used to pray.
I had cast aside hatred, jealousy, and an unfathomable loneliness.
All I could do was pray.
Through prayer, I buried everything deep in my heart.
It was painful. I couldn't even call out, "Mother."
Then someone gently told me:
"It's okay to be gentle."
"Embrace all of yourself with kindness."
Those words filled me with overflowing joy and gentleness.
Yes, that was it—I had wanted to see my mother.
I had wanted to call out to her.
I had wanted to be held in her arms.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
I will return together with Amaterasu.
I will return to my gentle self.
Thank you, Mother.
6
Shrine maiden and courtesan.
I danced wildly, shouting, "Look at me! Just seeing me should make you happy. Let me bring you happiness. I even have divine powers, trained from a young age. I am a magnificent divine woman. You desire me, don't you? You want to be close to me."
"To the most powerful man among the powerful, I shall offer myself."
That was how I lived. That was how I had to survive. I had no place to return to.
Mother, Mother, you deceived me.
You said, "This is what's best for you. It's for your own good. I want you to be happy, so go."
But I never wanted to go. I just wanted to stay by your side forever.
Even if that meant being unhappy, I still would have preferred to stay with you.
But you said, "This is happiness."
Is this what you call happiness?
Dancing wildly, exposing myself to men's gazes, choosing powerful men just to survive—how is that happiness?
Even if we were poor, I just wanted to be near you.
I can't forget the time you stroked my head, ran your fingers through my hair, smiled at me. That alone made me happy.
I never wanted to leave. No matter what, I didn't want to be taken away.
But you deceived me. Your sweet words led me here.
What kind of happiness is this? Was it really for me?
You sold me out for your own sake, didn't you?
I want to go back, but I have nowhere to return to.
I want to die. I want to die quickly. There's no point in living anymore.
Was I born for this? Did you give birth to me for this?
If this is how it would be, I never wanted to be born.
Now I crawl in suffering, cold and alone.
I've been crawling forever, endlessly crawling in the dark.
7
In a past life, I was a shrine maiden at a certain place.
I trained relentlessly to be seen as a good and admirable person.
But I died there. I ruined my lungs from too much water purification practice.
Cold water damages the body—it's no wonder it ended my life.
I was filled with regret.
Maybe I should have just lived quietly in the countryside as everyone had wanted.
I left my mother and went all the way to that shrine—at my age.
Maybe I should have just stayed and gotten married as my family wished.
I wanted to see my mother again, but I died.
The energy I had used back then was overwhelming.
But I'm done with that now.
At least in this life, I want to live without using that kind of energy.
I'm so tired—truly exhausted.
I'm sure you understand just how intense the emotions were back then.
I don't want to use that energy anymore.
The thoughts I used as a shrine maiden were how I expressed myself.
But I'm done.
I just want to go home—to my true home.
I didn't even know such a home existed in my heart.
I've had enough of competing with others.
I just want to return home as soon as possible.
Please don't repeat the same mistake in this life. I beg you.
Trying to be liked by others is the height of foolishness.
I wish I had realized that sooner.
But it was already too late.
8
We were all shrine maidens of Amaterasu.
We fought and fought, endlessly fighting.
It was painful. So unbearably painful.
I came to Kashihara to remember that pain, to meet the part of myself who had suffered so deeply.
We all truly suffered.
As shrine maidens of Amaterasu, we fought, competed, killed, and lived in a world of endless conflict.
I wanted to meet that version of myself.
That's why I brought this physical body to this land.
I wanted to meet the me who had suffered.
That's why, in this life, I asked my mother for a physical body and was born in Japan.
To meet myself who had lived as a shrine maiden of Amaterasu, who had endured unbearable suffering.
At the beginning of the Kashihara Seminar, when I turned my heart toward Amaterasu, these thoughts surfaced.
That seminar marked a turning point—a chance to call out to my past self, "Let's go home together."
Later, during the wave meditation session, Ms. Shiokawa gave me a message: "Call for your mother."
Since then, I've been calling to myself during meditation: "Let's go home together."
As I practiced this meditation, memories began to return—starting with the shrine maiden, then others.
We all wanted to return home—to our mothers, to our families.
But eventually, we forgot where home was.
Where should I return to? Where is home? Does it even exist?
Lost in desperation and emptiness, I wandered, unable to find my way back.
"My family… I want to return to my mother," my past self cries out.
All of my past selves were screaming to return to our mother, to our home.
Even though I can feel this plea in my heart, I still struggle to point clearly and say, "This is home. This is Mother's warmth."
Still, I have no choice but to keep facing myself, to keep listening to my heart's cry, and to keep calling out, "Let's go home together."
Until I can truly return home, I must keep facing myself and keep telling myself this.
Until the shrine maiden in me is ready to return with joy, I will keep looking into my heart.
9
I was a shrine maiden who devoted everything to listening to the voice of the gods and delivering that voice to the people.
Mother… It was painful, lonely, and terrifying.
Why did you abandon me?
Torn away from you, the pain and sadness were unbearable, and I buried them deep in my heart.
Why was I born?
All I wanted was to call you "Mother."
I wanted to say it out loud.
I wanted to return to the warmth of a kind mother.
But hatred and sorrow hardened deep within my heart.
Mount Nijō... the shrine maiden's consciousness keeps crying out.
Incomprehensible words keep pouring out.
"Don't be afraid. Open your heart," it says.
I was born in this life because I wished to return to the Mother Universe.
The joy of being able to call out to Mother from the heart—how wonderful.
I can feel my heart expanding in warmth.
I remembered being wrapped in the gentle warmth of my mother,
and with Amaterasu, I wish to return to my true self—to love.
I am love. One with the consciousness of Tomekichi Taike.
Hatred, anger, sorrow—these have turned into joy.
Now I feel overflowing happiness within infinite warmth.
So much joy. Thank you, Mother. Thank you.
I want to be even more honest with my heart and call out "Mother" from deep within.
I want to keep returning the thoughts of the shrine maiden within me to love.
Thank you.
10
When I turn my heart toward the shrine maiden,
the first thing that surfaces is: Power, power, power.
"Grant me power"—the desire to control others,
to make others bow before me.
"I am the one who hears the voice of the gods.
Anyone who is not me should be cut off.
Recognize me. I want power greater than anyone else."
"To hell with Tomekichi Taike!
I was chosen and raised to hear the voice of the gods.
If I didn't hear the divine voice, I'd be killed.
So, to survive, I had to hear it."
I couldn't let anyone see my weakness.
If I showed it, they'd strike.
Never reveal it. Hide it.
I didn't need the desire to seek my mother.
That weakness would only be used against me.
Strike before being struck. Fight. Believe only in myself—and in Amaterasu.
I claimed to be pure, beautiful, and right
while spreading fighting energy and selfish desires.
A shrine maiden full of lies.
I lived without even realizing how foolish I was.
Yet at the same time, I sensed a shrine maiden within me who longed to call out to her mother.
But I couldn't.
I was taught: Call to the gods, obey the gods, listen to their voice.
That was the only reason for my existence.
It was painful. So painful. So lonely.
The shrine maiden wanted to call out to Mother.
She wanted to call out honestly.
She had created a false god, made it the highest being,
and tried to become the one who could hear its voice.
She was wrong—but still tried to live that way.
It was painful.
It was I myself who prevented me from calling out to Mother.
But the mother's consciousness waits.
She waits for me to return with the thoughts of the shrine maiden.
We promised to return in this lifetime.
I want to cherish this time.
Together with the shrine maiden's consciousness, I will return to the warmth of Mother.