In our present age, life begins with birth, followed by an education, the step into society, and, for many, the formation of a family. Along the way, we meet people, encounter events, and pursue our work. These experiences color each life in unique ways.
Some journeys are cut short before dreams are fulfilled; others are forced to change direction unexpectedly. Rarely does life move forward exactly as we wish.
For my part, I can say with confidence: My life is a happy one. I can say this to myself—and because I can, I know I am happy. It is not because of someone beside me or something I possess, but because I feel, from the depths of my heart, joy simply in my own existence. I am profoundly grateful for the transformation that has made me this way.
With that gratitude, I naturally felt the urge to record something of an autobiographical nature. I wanted to say "thank you" to myself—the self who exists here and now in this one physical body. That desire led me to reflect on the forty-eight years since my birth and to decide that I will pass through the years ahead with the same feeling of gratitude. This writing marks one milestone in that journey.
It is not written with the hope of gaining readers or seeking sympathy. I write for myself alone, to set down my thoughts honestly and openly, and to face my own foolishness without flinching.
I was born on March 9, 1959, in the Year of the Boar—said to charge headlong without hesitation. In 2006, I am forty-eight years old by the traditional count. I trust there is still time left for me in this physical body, but there is no doubt that the single most important turning point in my life was meeting Tomekichi Taike.
That meeting marked a decisive shift in my inner world—from darkness into light. Through it, I came to recognize within myself a profound growth in the realm of consciousness. In the pages ahead, I will share what that means to me. This meeting was, without question, the greatest turning point of my present lifetime.
I use the word "lifetime" deliberately. I do not believe I am only the person who now inhabits this physical body. I feel that I am something that has existed continuously through the flow of time, from the past into the future—that is my true self. From that perspective, this present lifetime is but one passing point. I live each day with that awareness.
Another term I use frequently is "the physical" or "physical self." Some may find it unusual, so I would like to explain it here. While "physical body" or "body" might be easier to accept, I intentionally use "physical." By this I mean the world of form, including the physical body itself. To take the world of form as the ultimate reality is what I call "physical thinking"—thoughts rooted in the physical. This is not limited to the human body; it includes all thoughts that arise when we take the tangible, visible world before us as reality and build our thinking upon it.
Throughout this book, you will encounter phrases such as "physical joy and happiness," "the physical self," "physical strength," "the physical mind," and "the physical mother." In each case, the underlying assumption is that the physical body is one's true self.
Those who have read this far may have sensed that "the physical" and "physical thinking" are central themes—and they would be right. I believe human beings live in a direction entirely opposite to the truth, that we have been living in error. Why I believe this, and what exactly those mistakes are, I will leave for you to decide after reading. My aim here is to look back on my own life, lived without knowing my true self, to observe my foolishness objectively, and to express as faithfully as I can what I have felt in my heart.
I will focus on two experiences: from my father's illness to his passing, and from my marriage to my husband's passing. Through these, I came to recognize that my true self exists within me, to understand its meaning and value, and to know the joy of continuing to exist. I believe these were events I had set and planned for myself. Because of them, I was able to reclaim my true self. They gave me both the opportunity to reflect and the means to confirm what I found.
These two experiences were absolutely essential. Realizing this has allowed me to meet, here and now, the joyful and happy self I am. My father's illness, my marriage, and my husband's passing led to my meeting with Tomekichi Taike and to the awakening of consciousness within me. I began to ask: What exactly is the "me" I think I am? And if that is not the real me, then what is my true self? My father's passing moved me even more firmly in that direction. In this way, these two experiences became the preparation for the greatest turning point of this lifetime.
Until just a few years ago, I lived as most people do—grounded in the common sense and customs of the world, judging what I saw as right or wrong, criticizing, and holding up my own self. But when I freed my heart from those constraints, I began to see something new. When my heart touched a reality utterly different from what I had known, I realized: I have been mistaken. I had been a self far removed from the truth.
Now, at last, I feel I am standing at the true starting line of life.
August 2006
Kayo Shiokawa