著者は物質的に恵まれた時代に生まれ、愛情を受けて育ちましたが、父は長年うつ病を患い、家庭には暗さと緊張が漂っていました。
父の病は幼少期から恐怖と不安を植え付け、母は救いを求めて他力信仰に傾倒しました。
著者もまた、父を救いたい一心で宗教団体に関わり、不思議な力を持つ教祖に強く惹かれるようになります。しかし父の病は好転せず、家族は暗い日々を繰り返します。
物質的には何不足なく育ちながらも、著者は父と母の顔色を窺い、母を支えようと幼い頃から心を縛って「しっかりした子」を演じてきました。
その内面は、怒り、憎しみ、恐怖といった真っ黒な思いに覆われていました。
父の病とそれに伴う家庭環境は、著者に深い心の影を落とし、人生観や信仰との関わり方に大きな影響を与えたのでした。
The author grew up in a time of material abundance, surrounded by her parents' care. Yet from before she was born, her father suffered from chronic depression. His illness created a constant shadow in the home. She remembers clearly the contrast between his kind, capable self during better periods and his dark, withdrawn state during episodes of illness. These shifts filled her with fear and unease, and she often avoided his gaze when he seemed stern.
Her mother, wanting to save her husband and the family, turned to various forms of "other-power" faith, joining religious groups and practicing chants and sutra recitations. At first, the author went along in the hope that her father would recover. Over time, she became fascinated by the presence and influence of a certain religious leader, hoping to awaken similar abilities within herself. That interest faded after the leader's death, but the experience left a lasting impression.
Despite the hardship, there were happy times—family trips, seasonal outings, and moments of warmth. Her parents worked hard, running a shop alongside her father's teaching job, and ensured the children had more than they needed. Still, she felt resentment, believing the illness had trapped the family in darkness.
As the elder child, she tried not to trouble her mother further. Outwardly she seemed mature and dependable, but inside she carried anger, fear, and despair, often wishing her father would simply be gone. Looking back, she now sees the family's struggles as a reflection of the unspoken pain each person carried. At the time, she only felt the weight of it, convinced that some greater power was needed to break free.