著者は、父の病気と家庭の暗い空気から逃れるため、熱烈に求められた縁で結婚しましたが、その動機は不純で、真の幸せを求めるものではありませんでした。
姑や小姑との確執、学歴差による劣等感から、資格取得にエネルギーを注ぎ、働きながら税理士を目指します。結婚生活は経済的に安定し、子どもを持たず肉的な楽しみに傾いていましたが、心の疼きは消えず、夫婦の間に真の満足感はありませんでした。さらに、夫が商品先物取引で大損したことを知り、著者は、深い裏切りと怒りを覚えます。
十年の結婚生活を通じ、表面的な喜びや成功はあっても、心の奥では空虚さと葛藤を抱え続け、結婚が幸せをもたらさないことを痛感しました。著者は、自分のために生きるという信念を抱きながらも、その意味を真に理解できず、欲と計算の中で生きていたことを振り返っていきます。
The author married largely to escape the heavy atmosphere of her childhood home, shadowed by her father's illness and her mother's sorrow. Pressured by a persistent suitor, she accepted, hoping that being loved would bring stability and happiness. Early in the marriage, tensions emerged with her mother-in-law and sister-in-law. Feeling looked down on for not having a university degree, she became determined to prove herself, working hard and studying for professional qualifications with the goal of becoming a licensed tax accountant.
Marriage brought financial comfort, but no children. Together with her husband, she filled their lives with travel, shopping, dining, and drinking—pleasures that hid a deeper emptiness. She prided herself on living for herself and depending on no one, but she later realized she did not truly understand what that meant. Her pride and independence could not bring her lasting satisfaction.
That sense of disillusionment deepened when she learned her husband had secretly engaged in risky commodity futures trading, losing a large sum of money. The discovery brought anger and a desire to lash out. She understood his actions came from his own frustrations, yet her immediate response was blame. Not long after, he became ill, changing their relationship once more.
In ten years of marriage, there were moments of comfort and enjoyment, but also a constant, unspoken ache. Even passing the tax accountant exam brought no deep joy, only a hollow sense of completion. Looking back, she sees that her marriage—built on escape, pride, and unresolved hurt—could never have given her the fulfillment she sought.